How to Ask for Help When You Really Need It: The Caregiver's Guide
As a family caregiver, your to-do list seems never-ending. You’re juggling appointments, medications, meals, and countless other responsibilities, often with little or no time to catch your breath.
The emotional and physical demands of caregiving can be overwhelming, and it may feel like you must handle everything on your own. It’s normal to feel overwhelmed or to be so focused on your loved one that you forget to seek support.
But the truth is, no family caregiver should go through their loved one’s health journey alone.
Knowing how to ask for help when you really need it is an essential skill for all caregivers. It shows that you recognize the importance of caring for yourself so you can continue to care for your loved one. This guide will help you develop the skills and find the courage to ask for the help you need and deserve.
Why it can feel so hard to ask for help
When you’re in the middle of caregiving, you get used to putting others first. You might ignore your own needs because there simply isn’t enough time, or you may feel like asking for help would burden others. These feelings are common, and it’s important to recognize them without judging yourself for having them.
Here are some reasons why it can feel so hard to ask for help:
You’re used to being the one who takes care of others: As a caregiver, you’ve likely spent a lot of time focusing on your loved one’s needs. This can make it difficult to shift that focus back to yourself.
You may worry about being a burden: It’s natural to worry that asking for help will inconvenience others. This is especially true if you feel like they already have a lot on their plate.
You might feel guilty: Guilt can arise from the misguided notion that you should be able to handle everything on your own. You may also wonder if you’re helping your loved one enough.
You don’t want to appear “weak”: Society often places a high value on self-sufficiency. This can lead to the misconception that asking for help will look like you have some sort of defect.
You’re afraid of rejection: This can be particularly difficult if you’ve been rejected or harmed in the past when asking for help.
You may not know what people are willing to do: Sometimes, friends and family are willing to help but aren’t sure what you need, so they wait for you to ask. But since they haven’t offered, you don’t want to delegate to them.
It’s important to validate these concerns while also affirming that needing help isn’t a sign of failure. In fact, it’s a sign of strength and self-awareness.
Asking for help is strong
While it’s natural to find asking for help difficult, merely opening yourself up to the idea can bring some relief. Asking for help allows you to share the load, giving you more time to rest and recharge. It can also lighten your mental and emotional burden, making it easier to provide quality care the rest of the time.
Asking for help isn’t about admitting defeat – it’s about acknowledging that caregiving is a team effort. By inviting others to support you, you’re not only taking care of yourself. You’re also ensuring that your loved one receives the best possible care.
How to ask for help when you really need it: tips to consider
We’ve explored why it can be challenging to ask for help and why it’s still important to do so. Now, let’s dive into some practical tips for how to do it effectively.
Determine what type of support you need.
Before reaching out, take a moment to consider what kind of help would be most beneficial. Do you need someone to help with household chores, run errands, or provide emotional support? Being specific about your needs will make it easier for others to step in and help.
For example, let’s say you’re overwhelmed by the number of doctor’s appointments your loved one has. You might ask a friend to drive your loved one to one of their appointments. Knowing exactly what you need allows you to make clear, actionable requests.
To do this, consider taking notes to write down your stressors throughout the day. Using a notepad or even the notes app on your phone, mark down the moments you notice that you could use some help. Then, take five or ten minutes to reflect and prioritize the types (and moments) of support you identified.
Figure out who’s in your support system (or who could be).
Take some time to think about who you can turn to for support. Your support system might include family members, friends, neighbors, or even coworkers.
If you feel like you don’t have a strong support system, consider exploring community organizations that resonate with you. These can include caregiver support groups or faith-based groups that might be able to offer assistance.
It’s important to remember that even if your immediate circle is small, there are often more people willing to help than you might realize.
Read More: How to Build a Strong Support System
Ask for “SMART” requests.
When asking for help, it can be helpful to make “SMART” requests. SMART is an acronym for a request that’s specific, measurable, achievable, relevant, and time-bound.
For example, instead of saying, “I need help with groceries,” you could say, “Can you pick up milk, bread, and eggs for me when you go to the store tomorrow?” This approach makes it easier for the person you’re asking to understand exactly what you need and when you need it.
Know that it may feel scary or uncomfortable.
It’s perfectly normal to feel nervous or uncomfortable when asking for help, especially if you’re not used to it. Acknowledging these feelings can help you move past them. Remind yourself that it’s okay to feel this way and that these feelings don’t define you or your abilities as a caregiver. The more you practice asking for help, the easier it will become.
Remember that people often want to help.
Many people want to help but aren’t sure how to offer their support. By asking for help, you’re giving them the opportunity to show their care and support for you and your loved one.
Research has shown that helping others can also benefit the person offering help. So, by asking for help, you’re not just receiving support—you’re also building stronger communities and allowing others to experience the joy of giving.
Lean on your loved one’s care team.
Your loved one’s care team is there to support them, but they can help support you, too. Remember, they see people on different health journeys every day. Don’t hesitate to ask for guidance or advice or to ask what resources they’ve seen help other patients and their caregivers.
Your loved one’s care team may include doctors, nurses, and other specialists, but it can also include therapists, dietitians, and social workers. They can help you navigate the complexities of caregiving and may have resources or suggestions that you haven’t considered. Remember, this team is part of your support system, too.
Seek counseling or mental health support, if feasible.
Taking care of your mental health is just as important as taking care of your loved one. Consider seeking counseling or support. Many therapists offer sliding scale fees and/or telehealth services, making it more accessible. And nonprofits or governmental organizations can provide counseling options that are free or offered at reduced payments.
If traditional therapy isn’t accessible, look for support groups or online forums where you can connect with others who understand. Taking care of your mental health isn’t selfish—it’s essential for your well-being and your ability to provide care.
Tip: Explore tools like Psychology Today or the APA Psychologist Locator to find a therapist that fits your needs. You can adjust for insurance coverage, telehealth availability, treatment specialties, and more.
No one should go through a health journey alone.
It’s normal for all your thoughts and care to be focused on your loved one and their health journey. But caregiving is a challenging and often isolating experience, and you don’t have to do it alone.
Asking for help is a vital part of maintaining your own health and well-being, which in turn helps you be a more effective caregiver. You deserve support just as much as your loved one does, and there are people and resources available to help you.
What advice would you share?
Knowing how to ask for help when you really need it is a skill that takes practice. It’s also one of the most important skills you can have as a caregiver. By reaching out, you’re not only lightening your load; you’re also building a stronger support network for yourself and your loved one.
What tips or experiences have helped you ask for help? We’d love to hear your stories and suggestions in the comments below. Your insights could be just what someone else needs to hear.