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Letters to Jacob, to Ashley, and to all
Dear family and friends - my dear wife, who you might know is a bit more of an extrovert than I, has been posting a lot of our updates. I’m going to start posting more, and thought I would start with a few letters I wrote mainly within the first several days after Jacob was struck, while at his side in the ICU. I haven't shared these with my family yet as we’ve talked about most of these things in the days since, but I post them now for reading at a later time...should someone like to read a portion of the early story from dad’s view.
I also post this, obviously, for anyone to see. I was hesitant to leave in such a candid look into my own despair and regrets, however, I hope that perhaps this serves at least somewhat to illuminate the intensely contrasting times of joy, hope, and kindness stemming from the miraculous events at work by our heavenly Father.
Please note - I don’t mean to leave anyone out here - this isn’t meant to be “the complete story” or anywhere near a complete “thank you” to so many who have been so kind and helpful along the way.
(The large letter below is “To Jacob,” then a letter “To Ashley,” then one “To all.” Even if you don’t read everything, please consider at least scrolling down to the final portion addressed “To all”)
Thank you, and blessings.
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To Jacob, my amazing son,
"oh hon let them have fun 5 or 10 more minutes - then we'll get going"
...what I would give to have the first part of that sentence back...
Jacob, the afternoon of Thursday, July 16, your life changed forever. All our lives.
We were on Siesta Key beach, two days into our summer vacation. It was sunny in the morning ... beautiful ... we had such a fun time...
In the afternoon we did see some “standard fare” Florida-afternoon-storms brewing pretty far off to our south, past the public beach...where many many people were still doing the same thing we were…
Suddenly, a new batch of dark clouds developed and started heading up the beach towards us. I thought it would behave like the other storms we'd witnessed the last couple days and would move very slowly. I thought maybe, at the most, we weren't leaving early enough to avoid getting rained on…
I was wrong ... this storm came in so, so fast ...
We packed up and were walking towards the beach access path when in the darkness of the storm there was a bright flash of a reddish-orangish light. In this half-second I saw the sand and dune-grass and buildings over the dune reflecting that light. I felt its heat on the hairs of the back of my neck and smelled the singed air. I hit the ground as the flash was accompanied instantly after by an incredible, thunderous crack.
then I looked back
and I saw the panic-stricken fear in your mother's eyes
and I heard Ashley screaming "NO NOT JACOB!! PLEASE NOT JACOB!!" - I saw her hands at her head in disbelief and pure anguish.
and then I saw you
you were on your back on the sand as the nightmare scene was seared into my mind. I started sprinting to you and desperately didn’t want to believe what I already knew: this ONE bolt of lightning in our vicinity, this FIRST bolt of lightning at the start of this storm over us had struck you. directly in the chest.
and your mom screamed out "HELP, CPR, CALL 911, HELP HELP !!!!!!!"
and the fiercest storm I've witnessed ensued ... straight-line winds .. sand blowing horizontal all around .. lightning everywhere ... everyone around was in danger.
Yet two men ran over to us ... they didn't hesitate ... they knew CPR and started on you after quickly determining you had no pulse and were not breathing ... that these two men were there was miracle number one.
and the storm raged on
All I could do in those first moments was kneel by you and hold your arm and head while these men worked...and pray over and over and over PLEASE GOD don't take my son. please don't let him die. ONLY YOU GOD IN HEAVEN HAVE THE POWER TO SAVE MY SON. ONLY YOU.
These men spent 8,9,10 minutes working on you in the middle of this fierce storm.
Later I learned that one of the men heard me praying...and it gave him some motivation to keep going, exhausted as he was...
At some point I gave some rescue breaths as well...as a lady near me was doing her best to pass along instructions over the phone...
People were yelling. “need to move!!” “does he have a pulse?!” “which path is this??” We decided to try to move up the beach-access path some, to find some sort of shelter from the storm and try to get us closer to the main road where paramedics would arrive. We lifted you and trudged a few yards but I knew this damn path was a quarter mile long and there was no close shelter and that we did NOT have time to find any and we needed to keep blood moving--
..miraculously at this very moment a police officer came running towards us - he saw us and yelled out "PUT HIM DOWN!! PUT HIM DOWN!" and we did. The officer immediately started CPR again. He did this another 5,6,7 minutes until paramedics came running down the path with a stretcher cart
we picked you up to put you on the stretcher
Jacob, your body was a heavy rag-doll ... lifeless ... you were turning purple
we ran to the ambulance
still storming. raining, hailing, windy, lightning..
The officer who did CPR found me and found my eyes and said "hey, hey, stay with me, stay with me" and motioned for me to get into the front of the ambulance.
and there we sat in the ambulance for another eternity from the previous eternity of getting you to an ambulance…
While they worked on you in the back of the ambulance I sat in the front and clenched my guts and cried to God to please spare my son, that only He had the power to do so, please God don't let him die, please bring him back to us, over and over and over...
We also learned later that the whole family of the men who started CPR also went and prayed together...
And Jacob I was in despair. deep despair. the darkest time. and I cried and raged and couldn't believe I was about to lose my son. my son. our son. Ashley's brother. her best bud. Jared's brother. I thought it had been too long. just too long. there was no way. but I kept praying. I kept praying that God would bring you back to us. That only He had the power.
Finally we started driving. The driver couldn't tell me anything - "I'm just the driver"
We got to the Sarasota hospital after a 20min drive
As they rushed you into the ER they brought me to a small room to wait ... still no one could/would tell me anything about how you were doing.
A security guard checked in on me several times. He was kind and offered a blanket and water as I stood in the cold room only in my still-wet trunks waiting to know if you were alive or not.
a detective came...
a social worker...
a chaplain...
they finally came and told me something:
that you were alive, that you had a pulse and were breathing
YOU WERE ALIVE
I exhaled and cried and thanked God, over and over and over and over
Ashley and mom arrived shortly after - it was instantly obvious no one had told them anything yet as mom fearfully looked around the small room and said "Jeremiah, why are we in here??" and I put my arms around her and Ashley and told them "he is alive hon, Ashley - he is alive!" and we all cried tears of joy.
They brought us back to the ER trauma unit where they had you -- there we saw you, breathing but with a tube down your throat, your body fighting for life. a large blast to your chest. parts of you pale. parts of you purple. your blood spattered on the floor, all kinds of medical supplies everywhere - we could tell they were in a tremendous rush and did everything they could.
Jacob, later I was told, at this first hospital they spent 45 minutes working to start your heart again…it is truly a miracle that you are alive...
An hour or so later they said you were “stable enough” to make another transfer to Tampa General Hospital, where they were better equipped to handle "burn victims.”
We followed in our car. When we got to Tampa General, we ran into complications with visitation due to the covid situation... we had to take a golf-cart shuttle to the ER, only 2 allowed at a time on the shuttle. So we let mom go first to the ER, then me and Ashley.
Mom had been taken to your room. Ashley and I were then told we could not visit you, that there was a strict policy that only one parent could visit at a time and there could be absolutely no other visitors unless it was an extreme situation. We were devastated. "You're telling me a lightning strike and my son barely holding on to life isn't an EXTREME enough situation, to allow more visitors?" the answer was "no"...it wasn't. Just insane.
Ashley was basically told, the only way she would see her brother was if he was better and leaving or "actively dying." We were told we had to leave. Also, that since mom had made it in, she wouldn't be allowed to leave tonight.
Ashley and I made our way back to the rental car, stunned and smoldering in silence.
As we started to drive away to somehow try to think of finding a close place to stay for the night mom called. I pulled off on the side of a dark street ... she was crying, she said the doctor said this was the worst lightning strike he'd seen. He told her he did not think you were going to make it through the night.
We were devastated.
Ashley and I sat there in the car, trembling. Mom begged me to come back, I explained the visitation craziness. Mom hung up to try to talk to people inside -- she wanted me to stay the night with you.
We were devastated. It was the darkest night as I stared down this dark, unfamiliar street behind the hospital parking garage.
Jared called and between short breaths I explained to him the best I could what happened. As we spoke the trees lining the street seemed to all bend in and come crashing down on me and I was drowning in darkness. Utterly defeated, I feebly admitted "I don't know what to do..."
I was trembling. I broke down and told Ashley how I failed our family. That it's a father's duty to protect his kids, and I failed. I failed to get you kids out of there in time. and now my son, our Jacob, her brother, was going to die.
And your sister - she put her hand on my back and looked at me and said "no, you can't do that to yourself, you can't blame yourself dad. People just DON'T get struck by lightning! The chances are SO, SO LOW! Dad, we know, that everything you do, you do it for us kids, that you work so so hard, so hard, to earn enough to provide and to do things like go on vacation with us, to spend time together, to have a little fun, we know dad .. you can't blame yourself!!"
in that moment your sister steadied me and gave me the resolve to press on -
Mom called back - somehow she’d convinced the staff to let me stay the night with you instead of her -- when I got up to your room in the pediatric ICU you were still fighting for your life.
But I couldn't go to your side until I put on full PPE consisting of gloves, a gown, and a mask.......
The doctor here expressed to me that, yes, there were some positive signs after-all, but, yes, it was also very well possible you wouldn't make it through the night.
I was in constant prayer at your side all night...
They kept fighting to keep your heart beating, to somewhat stabilize blood pressure, breathing, O2, find pulses at extremities.
I watched odd muscle contractions and hands and arms fidget and your abdomen spasm as your body tried to figure out what in the world was going on. How to deal with so many internal and external injuries from millions of volts...
At one time I counted at least 14 different lines of medicines going into you in this big tube they'd put in by your right collar bone and into your thigh.
Your hands and feet were still purple and cold - at 2:00am a plastic surgeon came in to evaluate this. He wanted to make a bunch of needle pokes through your skin to test pressure, muscle, blood flow. Probably fifty pokes later he told me we needed to make long incisions in your arms and legs that would be left open. This would allow your shocked-state muscles room to swell even further without choking off your veins so blood could start flowing again. I told them to do it asap...
At 4:00am they came and told me the surgery went well, and that you even turned a corner during this time. a miracle. later several doctors told me this procedure likely saved your hands and feet, likely even more than that...
Your kidneys were failing and it was looking like dialysis of some sort would be necessary - miraculously they started functioning well enough a day before they were going to start that procedure...
You needed a full blood transfusion because of problems with hemoglobin and other issues.
Days later you needed surgery again to close the incisions. The surgeons did a wonderful job and were able to close everything up without skin grafts, but, you had a hard time recovering this time. We went through days of pneumonia and struggling with lungs and getting enough oxygen, all while the breathing tube was still in - and even though you were heavily sedated we could tell you absolutely hated it as you would close your eyes tightly in pain and shake your head when we were trying to understand the words you were trying to mouth and as you kept motioning for water that you couldn't have...
MRIs were done, x-rays, constant blood draws, a nuclear scan. a PICC-line to replace the tunneled catheter at your collar bone. Suctioning out the dark green gunk from inside your lungs. A chest tube to drain fluids around them. 104 fever for days. Elevated liver enzymes. Talk about fluid around your heart. Always seeming to stabilize one thing and then another going unstable. Day after day after agonizing day and night.
I told them to hold off on a procedure to help clear your lungs because it sounded like it could irritate them even more and you were finally showing signs of recovery there...within a day you were finally off the breathing tube and enjoying some water and a Coke-Zero.
Slowly, slowly, they were able to stop a drip here, reduce a medicine there. 14 lines going in became 5 eventually, then 2, then zero. Now replaced by a dozen other oral medicines as we try to keep your blood pressure in check and nerve pain and muscle spasms under control.
It took almost the entirety of your 2 weeks in the ICU for it to finally sink in: you were ALIVE. That day after day you were waking up ALIVE with us and even trying the best you could under sedation and with a tube shoved down your throat to communicate with us. a miracle.
and you have been miraculously, graciously, and mercifully spared. And I thank God in heaven.
So many miracles - the men on the beach who knew CPR, the police officer who continued CPR, the ambulance EMTs and hospital staff at the Sarasota hospital who didn’t give up, the team at Tampa General who didn’t give up, plastic surgeons who came in at 2:00am and helped blood keep flowing, kidneys that started working again just in time, lungs that finally recovered, a heart that took a direct lightning hit and now “looks like it never happened,” your memories all there, cognitive functions looking as good as before, blood pressure that finally came down, things falling into place to bring you back to Fort Worth for some time, and then continue on to Chicago where we hope and pray for continued recovery. Hundreds if not thousands of people praying, sending well wishes, helping us out in so many ways. and I'm sure even more miracles I have forgotten or never knew about...
and I have no reason to doubt that miracles will continue, that God has a plan for you.
but it is hard. we are faced with the uncertainty about your lower half and it is hard.
Jacob, I failed you.
That you so very nearly died on my watch and are now faced with such pain and trials are things I will never forgive myself for. All I had to do was get us out of there a minute earlier...
But your heavenly Father will never fail you. You were spared in mercy and grace for a reason, God has a purpose and plan for you.
Don't ever doubt it. Don't ever doubt Him.
The wondrous string of miracles that has you alive and breathing and bringing tears to my eyes telling me, even in your current state, “it’s not your fault dad, it’s no one’s fault, it was just nature” and even telling me had you not been resuscitated “it would’ve been ok dad, I would’ve went to be with Jesus” will surely continue.
You have been so kind-hearted and super-appreciative to so many people around you helping you. You have been so brave through so much.
We keep praying.
Keep fighting. You can overcome this! By the grace of God we will overcome this together.
I love you,
Dad
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To Ashley, my amazing daughter,
You are gracious, thoughtful, and courageous beyond your years…
To somehow find your way back to our room in the middle of the storm and chaos and make phone calls...to find Pastor and pray. I know you so very badly wanted to stay by your brother and help him if you could but we were yelling at you to get to safety...
To go back later that night to that room and help your mom pack up his belongings...and do it again days later at the next place...
To comfort your dad in his darkest moments...
To be left behind at hotel rooms and hospital entrances trying to stay in view of security guards as they and others look at you funny while your parents “switch out” because of well-intended but heartlessly hard-line policies...
To be told you can’t see your brother unless he’s dying while we thought he very well could be tonight… ...and only to be able to see him twice since...
To start high school without him at your side and our family on opposite sides of the country...
I love you,
Dad
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Jared, my amazing son, and Jonathan my amazing brother: thank you both for dropping everything and flying to Tampa...
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To all,
Please, hug your kiddos tight...enjoy your time together...love each other...pray with them and be in the Word.
I have been made so painfully aware how in the blink of an eye - a flash of light - life could be taken. How so many things I used to fret about and think about hold such infinitesimally little weight on the scale of “things that really matter.”
Yet also more and more aware and thankful that miracles can and do still happen. That God can and will move in many ways and through many people towards His promise of giving us a future and a hope, whether we see or fully understand those ways, or not.
I don't have the words to express the gratitude I have for the outpouring of prayers, love, and support from so many since that horrible night a little over a month ago now.
I am humbled beyond measure. I don't deserve such generosity and love.
But Jacob does. Ashley does. And you know that and you've shown it in so many ways.
Thank you so, so very much. I hope I can tell most of you "thank you" in person someday ... shake your hand, give a hug.
-Jeremiah Brewer
Jeremiah Brewer — 9/12/20
just wanted to say thank you to everyone for the kind words. I am truly amazed at how many people have been moved by our story! Again, thank you so much and God bless.
Paula Hillard — 9/9/20
Thank you fo sharing your heart and soul about that day and the weeks that followed.. its hard not to read without tears.. continued prayers for Jacob and his recovery as well as for your entire family... please continue to share Jacob’s progress.... God Bless you all...
Paula
Paula
Dan Obregon — 9/8/20
Jeremiah, thank you for being vulnerable and sharing your heart. When my wife was diagnosed with cancer and had her first treatment of chemotherapy, she was in excruciating pain and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I felt then as you have felt, and maybe still do feel: helpless. I know others have already told you this, but I have to reiterate: it's not your fault. When you pray for your family, it's not the least thing you can do. You are lifting them all up to the creator of the universe who knows them better than you ever could. Brother, take heart in the fact that God is with all of you. This horribly thing that has happened to your family - God is already using it for his glory. Jacob will continue to get better and what an amazing testimony he already has to share with the world. Your lives have changed in the blink of an eye, but your stories are changing people all over the world! I continue to pray for each of you. I pray that today is a good day and that many more are headed your way.
Jeremiah Brewer — 9/12/20
Dan - thanks for the note - really do appreciate it. I hope things got better for your wife if you don't mind me asking?
Rosie Montoto — 9/7/20
Jacob is blessed to have you for his dad. Stay in prayer as we all continue to pray as well.
Denise Rowland — 9/7/20
Oh brother in Christ, I had to stop reading atleast 5 times, I was crying so hard. You are a good dad, a good man. You are right....God has a plan for Jacob. He has touched so many hearts, so many lives. You stop blaming yourself right now. It doesn't do Jake or your family any good. You are a good man, a good dad, a good husband. Know this. Know it Jeremiah. God is good and he loves you. Take care and love those babies hard. I'm praying for your family because your my family. To God be the glory. Amen.
Tammy Harris — 9/7/20
There aren't words to describe the love we feel for The Brewer Family. We have cried with and for you, we are covering you in prayer, literally, around the clock, because we are sharing your story with all the Prayer Warriors we know. You are prayer lists around the world!! As I read your letters this morning, I couldn't control the emotions, feeling your helplessness, and just wanting to help right the wrongs for all of you. Alexa came down and saw I was crying, she said "Momma, whats wrong"? I told her I was reading Jacobs Daddys vantage point from that day, she started reading over my shoulder, pretty soon I hear her sniffling. I tell you this, to say, Jacobs story is touching lives and reaching people, he may never know. Lives will be changed because of his, yours, Barbs, Ashley, and Jared's testimony, each with your own perspective of that fateful day. Please know we see God working here. Jacob is a true Miracle, just when the world needed one. Im sorry that it has to be him, but with his sweet, gentle spirit, I quite understand why God chose him. We will continue to hold your precious family up and share your story, as to have as many praying as possible. Sending love from The Harris Family!! Alexas Mom
Johnnie McKee — 9/7/20
Jeremiah, all of your letters are so heartfelt and beautiful. I have known you for more than 22 years now and there is one thing I know about you for sure. Even though you are reserved and quite, anyone who ever met you would know that you love your children and your wife unconditionally and that there is nothing you wouldn’t do to protect them. As Ashley and Jacob have told you this is not your fault. I believe God knows every moment of our lives. He holds them in our hands. We will never understand this side of heaven why bad things happen to good people. You just wanted to allow a couple more minutes that day, no one is to blame. Satan saw an opportunity to try to make you doubt yourself and to lose faith in God, but He lost. Even during the worst moments and day of your life, what did you do? You called out yo Jesus, you asked Him to give your son life, to not take him from you. My granny told me when I lost Charlotte (by the way, I blamed myself for not seeing the log truck that hit us)...My wise old granny said, “Satan can cause bad things to happen, but only God can take your last breath.” Your faith in our Savior was grand! Now, truthfully, your faith did not bring him back in its own. God gave Jacob his heartbeat and breath back because his time was not yet recorded. But, the actions of you, Barb and Ashley were pleasing to God. He understands our questions and our doubts because we are human, but you were so very faithful by relying on God. And, what a mighty testament that Jacob told you that it would have been okay because he would have gone to heaven. We all knew that. We are all in trying times, but the minute we all received the news about Jacob, we all “hit our knees”. We all let God know that we knew He was and is the Almighty Savior and Physician. I begged God for Jacob life on earth to not be over. I begged him not to let you and Barbara join the “grieving parent” group that no one ever wants to be part of. Our prayers have been answered and although we do not know the full extent of what Jacob’s recovery will be, we do know that God has a purpose for his life and his family’s. God is not through with him yet. There will be thousands, maybe tens of thousands to become believers or to turn their faith back to God when they hear of these miracles. Just reading the stories of those that helped you on the beach helped to restore my faith in people again. We are living in days that we don’t know if anyone would help and these people proved they cared, then ALL the thousands they got to praying for Jacob as we sent out prayer request. The heavens were flooded with prayer. I truly believe there is hope in this world. I have been praying for other children since Jacob’s accident and they also have received miracles. I truly believe it is a sign that God is not through with us yet, He is saving the next generation for His mighty world, to go and tell the world if Hus miracles. Any time you feel guilty, remind yourself that God knew you were a faithful father and He trusted you would make sure that the story of this miracle was shared. As I write this , I remind myself that Charlotte did not die because I was unworthy, but because her name was recorded that day in 1997, her pre-destined time had come. Jacob has work to do here and I know that He will give his all to recover as God carries him through. We live you all and you are all close in prayer and in our hearts. Give Jacob our love and tell him I will send him a package next week. ❤️
Philippians 2:25-27 ESV / 7 helpful votes
I have thought it necessary to send to you Epaphroditus my brother and fellow worker and fellow soldier, and your messenger and minister to my need, for he has been longing for you all and has been distressed because you heard that he was ill. Indeed he was ill, near to death. But God had mercy on him, and not only on him but on me also, lest I should have sorrow upon sorrow.
Philippians 2:25-27 ESV / 7 helpful votes
I have thought it necessary to send to you Epaphroditus my brother and fellow worker and fellow soldier, and your messenger and minister to my need, for he has been longing for you all and has been distressed because you heard that he was ill. Indeed he was ill, near to death. But God had mercy on him, and not only on him but on me also, lest I should have sorrow upon sorrow.
Jeremiah Brewer — 9/9/20
JG ... thank you so much for the message. I try to keep in mind all the good coming from this but it gets tough sometimes. Thanks for the big reminder. Honestly, it never even occurred to me that you might have blamed yourself about Charlotte at the time. My heart goes out to you...I can't imagine what you and your family went through and I'm sure still think about. I do hope my message doesn't come across like "I know my prayer was heard only because he lived" -- I know our prayers are always heard - even if things don't always go how we would have them go and I can only hope I would've stayed as strong in my faith as you have had Jacob not pulled through. Charlotte is surely in the better place where we will be someday too and where "death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore." (Rev 21:4) when Jacob said he would've been ok I said yes! he would've been - but he didn't get to go home just yet...not just yet! blessings to you and your family --