I just spilled all of my emotions out and this darn computer didn't save it! As I lay here crying, I'll try to sum up some of the things that I just lost.
The last few days have been harder and harder. I miss Marissa more and more and more with each passing day. I told Randy tonight that I'm angry. Not angry with God but just angry that Rissy's life here on earth was so short. Angry that I can't ever physically hug her or kiss her or snuggle with her at night or hear her "cartoon" voice. Angry that Makenzie is picking up rocks in the backyard and pretending that they are samples of headstones, I'm not angry at Kenzie for that, just angry that she knows about that stuff due to losing her sister. Randy seems to lift me up when I need it most, although he struggles too but somehow finds the way to be my rock. He asked me why I was angry (he knows that it's for selfish reasons). He said, "isn't Heaven suppossed to be great, shouldn't she be having the time of her life up there?". I know that she is, I just would also like her with me, physically but not in any pain. I know that she's with me right now and always, just in a much different way.
I miss hearing Rissy say "1,2,3, timeout" or "her grumpy, her need a nap". She'd say that about Makenzie when Kenzie was grumpy, grouchy or having a fit about something. Marissa would also roll her eyes, bob her head back and forth and talk with her hands when she'd say that stuff. I can picture it perfect in my head. Today Makenzie and I went to lunch with some friends and the waitress brought out a prize basket for the girls. She let Makenzie pick one out and then her friend. When her friend picked one out, the waitress told her to make sure she gets one for her sister. I wanted to burst into tears. Makenzie should've been picking one out for her little sister too. Makenzie and I were looking at a picture of Marissa right before bed like we do every night and Makenzie asked me if I ever forget what someone's voice sounds like when they've been gone for a while. She said that when I go to the store, she sometimes forgets what my voice sounds like. I assume that she was referring to Marissa. We all love her and miss her so much and we know how amazing she was and always will be. Makenzie talks to Marissa and a lot of time uses her "baby" voice to her. She's always being the big sister.
Last night when Makenzie and I were in the pool, there was a red cardinal whistling at us. He stayed there for quite a while and then flew away. We talked to him like he was Marissa and Makenzie asked if I thought that it was Marissa. I said that I don't think that it's really Marissa, but it's God's way and Marissa's way of telling us that she's okay. Please continue the prayers.
Tracy
www.loneliestroad.org Randy will be participating in the Three Rivers Triathlon on Saturday, August 16th. He will be part of a team and I believe that there will be 2 or 3 teams there for the Loneliest Road to raise funds for Neuroblastoma. Randy will be teaming up with a lady named Sandy Dukat and she is on the US Paralympics team. Sandy's sister, Jamie Landheer will be participating. Rick St. John, Codey's dad, from the Loneliest Road will also be participating along with our neighbor and friend, Christy. These are just some names that you might be familiar with. You can donate in honor or memory of Marissa on the "donate" page. Every little penny counts and it's tax deductible.
Bracelets:
We now have purple rubber bracelets in adult and youth sizes. They are in memory of Marissa and are $5 each. The money raised will go to help our family with expenses. You can mail a check and make it payable to Jamie Landheer and mail checks to:
4775 Gallop Run Mason, OH 45040 She can also accept Paypal at her email address of jamie.landheer@53.com
Garage sale benefit: Cincinnati, OH area:
Jamie Landheer (the one with the bracelets) will be having a garage sale and bake sale at her house at 4775 Gallop Run, Mason, OH. The money raised will go to our family to help with ongoing expenses. The sale will start at 9am on Saturday, July 26th. So if there are any readers in that area feel free to check it out. They will have lots of great things there. Thank you.
