It seems lately that everyone wants to know how I am. I’m not feeling like I can give a simple answer that will satisfy those who are expressing such loving concern. I want to. I want to give everyone everything they need to feel happy and peaceful. I want to be wide open and share it all so that we can grow from our having traveled this small part of our path together. I’m just not a static being. Everything in our lives is constantly changing. Each new step in Jonji’s physical decline brings with it a whole array of emotions as well as practical concerns. Even though there is no ground, we keep trying to create one. I sometimes cope by focusing on the physical level. I can get a blanket, fluff a pillow, and call the doctor to change a medicine. If it makes even a small difference, it eases my sense of powerlessness. I come from a strong Lebanese tribe that taught me not to fall apart or run away when things get hard. I’m trying to walk through this as openly as I can but it isn’t always easy. If I crack open and fall apart, then I can’t function. I want Jonji to have the peace of being at home when he passes. I need to be fierce enough to hold myself together to give him this gift. We can all relate to the strength we find deep within ourselves when our concern is not for ourselves but for others. This is helping me to sit with what is, and still make sure there is milk in the refrigerator. Over the last few weeks I have moved steadily from denial to depression. I feel tired. I was showing someone around the house feeling so proud of all that Jonji had built and the sadness of knowing he won’t be here to share it weld up and spilled out. So, there’s that teaching about not getting attached to the fruits of our labor. We suffer when we attach to the outcome. The truth is that he spent his life building beautiful places for people to dwell. It is simply that. When I can remember this, I can wipe the tear and a hard earned smile emerges with a deep knowing. I am so much richer and wiser from his presence in my life. The sadness moves and I am lighter, and so it goes. Ask me how I am and as soon as I tell you, it’s something else. Jonji and I are living with this everyday. We are sharing, and growing, and healing and counting our blessings through all of it. I am here with him now and there is no where else I need or want to be. This will change and I am comforted in knowing that there are so many angels waiting to catch me. With much love and bright light, Suzanne
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