DAKOTAS WEB PAGE

Light A Candle For Dakota when you get to the candles, hit the search in the right hand corner, then put DAK in the :"group search part. thank you
DAKOTA MICHAEL GAY

Monday May 13th,1991~Tuesday January 9th,2007

"I KNOW THAT THERE ARE "ANGELS".....BECAUSE I'VE HELD ONE IN MY ARMS.... Welcome to our Childs Web Page. It has been provided to keep people updated about our Child. Please while checking on dakotas update remember all the children that are fighting this ugly beast "cancer". There is SO much that can be done & that needs to be done to be sure that in the future NO child will ever have to go through this ever again, so please check out different sites to see if there's anyway you can help~money is always needed for more research. Go to pedatric cancer & you will find ways to help. thank you for stopping by, also for all the wonderful prayers...Here are some recent pictures of our yard and Dakotas Memorial Garden.We finally had the time and great weather to start this project...

Journal

Saturday, September 27, 2008 0:30 AM CDT

WOW!!! once again it has been a long time.

at times i wonder why i continue to write "our' life here or why i pour my soul out to people that i am not sure if they care or not. the only real answer & truth i have for you and also myself is the "hope" that a few may "get IT" and what i mean by that is unless you've lived it....you will never get "it"....HOWEVER if someone you love is or have gone through this, my hopes are that you may better understand what it is that are now living in....and i promise for them and you it will not be easy....but if you have love and true compasion then you will do your best to help and the out come will be...strength and peace. this is a long road with many blind curves filled with much pain. although through this i do feel blessed in many ways to know who my TRUE friends are and although they may not fully know what i feel, they dont judge me. for those reading this you know who are ;) and i thank you so much!!!
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it seems that my life since Dakota has passed, i thought i was handling well. i am here to tell what a big FAT lie that has been!!!! i have kept myself so very busy with trying to have a "normal" life and only relizing small parts of how out of control i have been. i went back to work to soon!!! i tried to "act" as if i was strong and didnt hurt the way i do to soon!!! i let others treat me as if i had not suffered the loss i had, while they had their beatiful lives...yet i listen to them gripe and complain about such stupid crap...and really at the time felt sorry for them!!!! while deep inside my heart was screaming and in more pain than could ever be described!!!!
i have started to play a new game with myself in my head and the game is..."only think of Dakota as DEAD" because to look at old photos and to watch movies of him makes this whole thing to real. the pain of seeing him alive and knowing REALLY how much i miss him is STILL way to painful. so since the rest of the world sees him as gone and no longer feels this pain, it's the only way i too can deal with it. so much of me wants to tell so many, get over how i am reacting because you only have the benifit of NOT KNOWING how this feels!!!! all i can say is that i still have a glimps of hope that "in TIME" my heart will heal more and more each day BUT i will never be "me" again.....not without Dakota!!! so if you hear me being out spoken about something i believe in or if you see me angre for reasons you dont understand, guess what it's just me!!! i have been this way since about the age of eight or so and it has only come out even more with my pain. if you dont like it stay away from me (true Dak words)because you were never a true friend anyways. however the good thing about it is...if your a true friend then i am the best friend you could ever have because i would never let anyone hurt you or speak things that are not true!!!!
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this week has brought out much of my pain for many reasons....reasons i dont expect anyone to understand however they are REAL feelings! i am getting a new car which while it is very exciting and i love the car i am getting there is pain in knowing i am getting rid of the last car Dakota and i road in. i still remember as if it was yesterday the last time Dakota and i road in my car together. i also remember the first time i drove my car after he died and the thoughts that ran through my head while pulling into our carport....thinking that i needed to get his wheelchair out to go just a few feet, remembering to unlock the door and make sure the screen door was in lock postition before he got there, remembering how much stuff i had to unload because at the "end" Dakota packed MANY bags to go any wheres...just remembering the first time what it felt like to come "home" and he was not in that car with me. so it may seem silly but moving on to a new car hurts!!!!
THEN...there is the loss of Dakotas dog NOEL. we went to help at a childs cancer benifit sunday and when we got home she was gone. we have spent the last five days looking, searching, driving around, and making phone calls in hopes of finding her but sad to say we have not found her yet.....one more thing of Dakota, gone. then there is my job...which i no longer have. i had planned on finding something new and put in my notice but was asked to leave sooner that i had wanted, so now i am without a job. i know this is a blessing in a zillion ways but it still hurts my heart. then to add to all my fears and anxiety, there is NOT a running president that i have any faith in and i fear for what my husband will have to endure to make our ends meet and how unfair that is to him. all in all i just have alot of pain and fear at this time.
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some up to date things are....my dear friend anita and her family are getting ready to embark on the first anniversary of the loss of their sweet son Brandon. this loss is VERY dear to my heart since we are not only great friends but Dakota and Brandon were so very much alike in so many ways and i also spent the last few days with this beautiful child and his family. please add then to your prayers in the days to come and if you have time please stop by and leave them your loving thoughts of peace and comfort @
www.caringbridge.org/nc/brandonelam (you can copy and paste this to get there)
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my dad and my step mom came to visit and the visit was WONDERFUL!!! we had such a wonderful time however i wish they could have stayed a few more days because then they would have been able to see the AWESOME tatto i got of Dakota!!! yes i did it :)~~~i have wanted one ever since Dak passed, a feeling of him always being close to me ( i know some of may not get it...but it's not hurting anyone)and it made my heart feel GREAT!!! i have this beautiful permanently picture of Dakota on my back shoulder. it's about the size of a large orange and is more than perfect!!!! i am so proud to have it!!!! i hope that ted will get a picture of it real soon on the site. well i have more to write however it's late and i need to get up early.
love lannette~the FOREVER PROUD momma to Dakota

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Hospital Information:

Dakota Gay
4665 Summerside Drive
Lake Wylie,South Carolina 29710

Links:

E-mail Author: nutchale@aol.com

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