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CAM'S PAGE 
Cam was diagnosed with stage IV neuroblastoma in January 2002 at only 16 months of age. In October of 2003, Cam was diagnosed with autism. In March of 2004, we sadly learned that Cameron has relapsed.
THIS IS WHAT BINDS ALL PEOPLE AND ALL CREATION TOGETHER -- THE GRATUITY OF THE GIFT OF BEING.
~Matthew Fox
Journal
Sunday, April 29, 2012 1:35 AM CDT Just the process of logging into the site and clicking "add journal" brought back the deepest of sorrows. There are times where I begin to think that maybe time can heal all wounds, but it is moments like this that I remember the depth of loss I have lived through. Losing the person I have loved the most in this world . . . it's been almost 6 years without Cameron.
As I come here, the tears have already begun. The computer screen is blurry as I type. It could have been an hour since I last saw Cam and it could have been a lifetime. I realize that the pain never really goes away.
My life has moved so far away from the moments I used to share here, bothy mentally, emotionally, and physically. I am currently a third year medical student living in Portland, OR. I have a wonderful boyfriend, amazing friendships, and am truly passionate and excited about the profession I am in. My life is still rich but in a way far different than it used to be. It's not that things are better, as I've always felt I lived a beautiful life. My life is merely different now.
It's taken me a long time to be okay with being happy. I know no one will ever understand the decisions I made, but I lost not only Cameron but many people I loved in those early years. It was five years before I could allow myself to truly embrace being happy without feeling guilty. But, I've finally come to that place and I know it's alright.
Not a single day goes by where I don't remember Cameron in some way. It might be another child, a dream, a book I know he'd love, or a lecture at school that makes me second guess every decision we ever made for him. Whatever the trigger, Cam is truly engrained, imprinted on me. His energy has remained with me and allowed my heart to remain open. I am so eternally grateful for that.
I have no idea if anyone will even read this. I know I disappeared, but in truth, I just couldn't come here until I could. If that makes sense.
I do not think I will be back to Caringbridge but I wanted to let all of you know, if you find me here, that I am living, loving, breathing. It is not always easy . . . no one ever said it was. However, I do have a blog where I mostly write on health and medicine or on whatever inspires me. If you are so inclined, you can follow me at:
www.nectarwellness.com
Say hello and tell me how you are. I'd love to hear from you.
It is the second half of the story, I suppose. Not necessarily better. Just different.
I hope you all are well.
Much love,
Michelle
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